In Poor Taste

On a recent morning, while eating cereal with lactose-free, fat-free milk, I was reminded of a psychology article I read back in the 1980's. It related findings regarding the points at which children find things too disgusting to eat. The experiments were flawed in that human development, and the evolution of what we humans find disgusting, does not end at so early an age. Therefore, in the interest of science, I have incorporated my own findings with the aforementioned. The results:

Ages 0 - 3: Everything is food.

Ages 3 - 6: Subject will consume food once any offending conditions, such as grasshoppers in the subject's glass of milk, are removed. This phenomenon is closely related to the "Three Second" rule for households and the "Three Minute" rule for restaurants.

Ages 6 - 9: Subject will refuse to eat health food. Junk food is consumed without hesitation.

Ages 9 - 15: Subject will politely ask parents to remove non-health food items.

Ages 15 - 18: Subject will attack parents without provocation. Offering food may or may not appease the subject.

Ages 19 - 45: Subject will eat whatever he/she darned well pleases until child-rearing commences, at which time interest in health food returns for five minutes.

Ages 45 - 65: Subject, due to mid-life crises, health issues, and advertisements, experiences interest in health food yet again. This resurgence is far more vigorous, lasting for as long as an hour.

Ages 65 - 80: Subject, with few exceptions, will only eat food from the Senior Citizens menu. Subject will attack offspring without provocation. Subject will consume food once the offending offspring is/are removed. Subject will consume offspring if he/she can catch them (opportunistic feeding).

Ages 80 and up: Everything soft is food.

Supplemental: Age groups overlap to convey the lack of hard delineation. Health care professionals are advised to be alert for Code Brown conditions for both the 0-3 and the 80 and up age groups.