The following is an email I sent en masse, though it was expurgated in the interest of bandwidth hygiene. It contains responses I wrote to each item in an actual factoid email I received. I did not correct any typos in the original -- they are integral to the charm of factoids (as are the vulgarities), and they serve the greater purpose of distracting readers from my own typos.
Forwarding this will guarantee that Wal-Mart will NOT send you a check for $347.65 for participating in a fictitious worldwide email system test. If this finds its way to the author of the original factoid email I sincerely hope that person will not be offended, but will feel secure in the knowledge that there are only six emails between him and Kevin Bacon...
1.) If you farted continuously for 9 yr. 6 months you would create enough energy to build an atomic bomb.
JPF – Yes, but you’d have been dead for over nine years and five months, so forget it. You won't get that sense of accomplishment you so longed for. (Notice that factoid authors always start with something crass. It gives them a warm feeling inside and really makes the reader want to continue... )
2.) The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
JPF – Why on Earth was this even being recorded? So, did the crowd go wild? Did the chicken win a prize? Can we ever be sure that the chicken was not on performance enhancing feed?
3.) More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
JPF – And that is precisely why donkeys don't fly. By the way, if you ever happen to come across this Annual Convention of Killer Donkeys, I advise you to NOT attend.
4.) A snail can sleep for 3 years.
JPF – It’s amazing ANYONE can sleep, what with people farting atomic bombs, chickens flapping around in 'roid-rage, and donkeys roaming the killing fields of our airports.
5.) No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
JPF – I’m guessing that the folks recording chicken flights are working feverishly on this one, too. Anyway, this CAN be done -- just remember to unfold that paper before you make the next fold...
6.) The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
JPF – Oh, thank you! I’ve lost countless hours of sleep worrying over that one. My guess would have been the King of Spain. Juan Carlos, you have failed me for the LAST TIME! (But you're still my hero for telling Juan Chavez to shut up!)
7.) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.
JPF – That’s nothing. I know at least three words that cannot be copyrighted without spelling them. Tragically, "uncopyrightable" is not among them. It's not a real word, at least not according to any English dictionary I've seen, which may be why this factoid is not copyrightable.
8.) All porcupines float in water.
JPF – So why not throw a few of the prickly critters into the bath water for your kids to enjoy?! Seriously, porcupines are LAND animals, so who is this sick puppy throwing them into the water?!
9.) Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.
JPF – Great. Now I have to freeze and thaw every frog I find just to find out WHICH frogs will survive. (Who IS this Nazi performing these experiments?)
10.) Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.JPF – So all I have to do is wipe out 1,999,999,999 people and eternal life will be mine?
11.) Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.JPF – Brilliant. Next they’ll recommend not using the toilet water to rinse your toothbrush. I’ll try it, but I don't see how a toothbrush 6 feet away is going to protect my backside when I flush.
12.) Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.JPF – Oh, THAT explains EVERYTHING! Let’s hope the toothbrushes were a safe distance away.
13.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
JPF – Now, pay attention! THAT is why roaches, unlike humans, will never be able to fart atomic bombs.
14.) The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
JPF – Cool. That explains why I've been seeing more Klingons in church these days.
15.) The word "samba" means, "to rub navels together”.JPF – Good heavens, then what does “mamba” mean? What about “La Bamba”? Disgusting.
16.) Everyday more money is printed for Monopoly than than US treasury.
JPF – And yet, defying the laws of classical economics, Monopoly money is worth MORE than the US dollar! Okay, never mind the repeated words, that that can happen happen to anybodybody, but the sentence reminds me of the eternal question, “Is it hotter in the summer than in the city?” So, just how much money is being printed and how much US Treasury is being printed?
17.) If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
JPF – If that doesn't annoy white supremacists, what will? And who is keeping goldfish in the dark room? Photography has truly taken a bizarre turn.
18.) Every time you lick a stamp, you\'re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
JPF – So, if you lick that stamp 35,000 times, it’s just like eating fast food. I went on a binge once and mailed over 90,000 letters at Burger King (Oh, as if YOU haven't strayed from your diet during the holidays?).
19.) Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland.
JPF – Similarly, (and I know this goes against all of that which we believe to be true) when you get drunk in an Irish pub, the room will spin clockwise.
20.) Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the loss of their cat.
JPF – What did they shave when the dog died? The insides of their nostrils?
21.) The average blue whale's tongue weighs the same as an elephant.
JPF – And the average blue elephant’s tongue weighs the same as a flying donkey.
22.) A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
JPF – No one knows why because it isn’t true. A duck’s quack would echo, but most people haven’t heard it because ducks are not inclined to stand at the edges of canyons going, “Quack! Hey, there’s an echo in here! QUACK, Quack, quack!”
23.) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
JPF – Jiffy Lube says they'll get back to me on that one. I asked for a refund since my last oil change took considerably longer.
24.) Armadillos are the only animals besides humans that can get leprosy.
JPF – And, as always happens, the humans blame it on the armadillos while the armadillos blame the humans…
25.) It's impossible to lick your elbow.
JPF – Not true. (Hint: Just snap the humurus in half and bend.) Go ahead and try – it tastes like chicken!
26.) An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
JPF – This phenomenon is also seen in humans who text on cell phones while driving.
27.) "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
JPF – Oh? (I know that’s not a complete sentence, but I couldn’t resist.)
28.) Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
JPF – So, if you’re Bill Clinton, and you develop a fear of beds…
29.) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
JPF – Cool! Only three more days ‘til I get my new stomach! Actually, that's only true of non-union stomachs. Unionized stomachs can take up to six weeks, but have to pay union dues monthly. It's hard to get your stomach into the union, but it's worth it.
30.) According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offence. Offenders could be hanged for trying.JPF – Who wants a bunch of suicidal Brits hanging around, anyway?
31.) A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers’ first flight.
JPF – But Orville had far more serious complaints about that first flight, such as no meal, no alcohol, and no movie. He swore he’d never fly coach again, but then found out how much a 747 costs.
32.) Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
JPF – Wow, where’d they come up with a funny name like that? Ha, ha! Barbara! That’s SO weird! Jeez. Well, at least we won’t have to sit on the edge of our seats worrying about THAT one, anymore. With this and the “king of hearts” crisis out of the way we can all relax.
33.) Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
JPF – Proving, once and for all, that Venus is part of Ireland.
34.) All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.JPF – Ahhh, NOW the movie makes sense.
35.) The most common name in the world is Mohammed.JPF – In this world, yes, but when you're on Venus it’s Sean, with Patrick coming in a close second. Gomer, oddly enough, failed to make the top 10 on either world.
36.) In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
JPF – Because he was the genius who let Ireland have Venus.
37.) Cat\'s urine glows under UV light.
JPF – That’s why I love sneaking cats into dance clubs.
38.) The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.JPF - …while driving in Florida.
39.) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
JPF – And if you farted continuously for 12,345,678,987,654,321 minutes, how many atomic bombs would you have? While we’re into the important stuff, how many flights could a chicken get in during that time? A normal chicken, not a roid-rage chicken.
40.) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
JPF – But they can, when provoked, make a donkey fly. Really, has anyone seen an amoeba or a snail jump? Seen any jumping barnacles? If you have, please send video to:
The Porcupine/Frog Nazi,
2B Happy Street
New South Dublin, Venus
Please make a copy as we are unable to return submissions. And, please, no postage due.
41.) One in every 4 Americans has appeared on the television!JPF – And three in every four of them fell off and landed on the coffee table, spilling drinks and splattering the other guests with onion dip.
42.) Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
JPF – Just the same, it’s barbaric for tigers to be walking around in fur when there are so many attractive substitutes.
43.) Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated.JPF – And they’ll taste better, too, but don't rubber bands lose elasticity and break more easily when cold?
44.) Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Regan.
JPF – Now, I admit that I’m not the most accomplished person who ever lived, but I don’t want to be that guy with a grandchild on his knee, saying, “Yessiree, Sonny! I invented the Blueberry Jelly Belly!”
45.) The youngest pope was 11 years old.
JPF – You can bet he would have blasphemed to get his holy little hands on some Blueberry Jelly Bellies! Think this one through. The oldest pope was 11 years old, too.
46.) The Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.
JPF – Perhaps the hummingbird is not the smartest bird of flight. Think about it: it’s hard enough to walk backwards, dangerous to run backwards, and these wacky flyboys want to FLY backwards? To be fair, hummingbirds usually fly backwards only to escape 'roid-rage chickens.
47.) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
JPF – Hmmm. They say people blink more when telling a lie… (Oh, no he di-n’t!)
48.) No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.
JPF – In half of what? I thought I settled this in #5, but now it has to be a SQUARE, DRY paper! Now I feel silly for spending the whole weekend folding ROUND, WET papers.
49.) Almonds are members of the peach family.JPF – How awkward that must be at family reunions.
50.) Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.JPF - This proves only that idiocy knows no religion, no race, and no borders. Of course, if watching pretty women bounce around in skimpy bathing suits will bring world peace, I’d be willing to take a few hits on my IQ score.
51.) Coca-Cola was originally green.
JPF – No, it just looked green because of the bottle. You see, the original Coke bottle had to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it would digest itself.
52.) The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
JPF – Unremarkable except for the fact that they are now probably made in China.
53.) A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.
JPF – Talk about a hot date! So, how many nights must a New Jersey mole tunnel to get a Bruce Springsteen CD hot off the presses in China?
54.) It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.JPF – This is an excellent example of nature protecting us. After all, who wants to see their mucus fly through the air and land in somebody’s Coke?
55.) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
JPF – And chewing gum has never been the same since that great day in history. I can’t bear to see the tears in my grandkid’s eyes when I tell him that this great honor didn’t go to my Blueberry Jelly Bellies.
56.) A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average.
JPF – … and THAT means that for every hedgehog heartbeat a mole gets one foot closer to a Bruce Springsteen CD!
57.) Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.
JPF – Obviously, pillow fights were serious affairs back then. Hence the old Egyptian saying, “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw pillows.”
58.) A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth.
JPF – Well, DUH!!! That's how it's done! What animal grows OLD teeth to replace the NEW teeth?
59.) Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
JPF – This is only a partial translation. The full meaning in Inuit is “Big Village with Intelligent Birds that Fly Forward”.
60.) "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
JPF – Do not panic! We have the world’s greatest minds working on a solution to this great injustice imposed upon the people of all English-speaking nations. A tax rebate is in the works.
61.) John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
JPF – Okay, if you know ANYTHING about John Lennon, you know that nothing can be said about this that John hasn't already said. Lennon is the patron saint of Sarcasm.
62.) There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.JPF – This is annoying. The author completely ignored the “Why” of the issue. Nobody cares how many dimples there are, but, for those who don’t already know, it MIGHT be interesting to learn WHAT the dimples do -- create an aerodynamic effect that increases the distance, or “flight”, of the ball. THEN we could have enjoyed another flying donkey crack. But, noooOOOooo!
63.) Why do pipers march when they are playing? It's harder to hit a moving target!
JPF – Stupidity incarnate. The piper marches because he’s ordered to. Why else would anyone march into a battlefield armed only with a wind instrument? Now, a piano? Yes, pianos provide great cover and can pulverize any opponent. I’d be proud to go into battle playing a piano.
64.) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.JPF – Yeah, sure. The kneecaps arrive by FedEx, guaranteed by your sixth birthday or delivery is free. Well, no, but this “factoid” is so ridiculous that you just want to break the author’s kneecaps. Kneecaps usually form during the fourth month of fetal life, but very often they don’t show well in x-rays even after birth because they’re mostly cartilage then.
65.) Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.JPF – That’s called winking, Einstein. If you listen closely you’ll hear the little fellah say, “Here’s lookin’ at YOU, kid!”
66.) A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
JPF – True, but a pregnant twit is not necessarily white, though she may turn white if left in the dark room… (See #17)(Actually, don't bother).
67.) Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
JPF – See? You don’t see any hummingbirds on a coat of arms, do you? Stupid hummingbirds…
68.) The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
JPF – Didn’t we cover this in #38? So, how long does it take for ABOVE average people to fall asleep? Five minutes? I figure a genius should be out like a light in two minutes, flat, unless traffic is really heavy.
69.) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
JPF – Again, please do not panic! We have those very same Great Minds working on this one, too. Their preliminary findings report that the author of this “factoid” clearly never received a “purple nurple”. Equally disturbing is the fact that no single word could possibly rhyme with all four of those words.
70.) Birds need gravity to swallow.
JPF – So, would a hummingbird in space starve to death? Hey! I’m just asking! It’s not like I was going to TRY it or anything. Just the same, this supports Einstein's theory that a bird on a black hole can eat more than a bird on Earth can in t times ten and eleven to the first power, where t = time in Newton-meters per angstrom.
71.) Starfishes have no brains.
JPF – And yet they write no factoids. They also know that the plural of starfish is really starfici (pronounced STARRRR - fish - eye), as in the sentence, "We can learn a lot from the lowly starfici of the seases."
